loathesome

it's late, 12:09am, 08/17/12.

I'm supposed to be up at 4:40, per my alarm clock.  normally, at this time, I would have been fast asleep for at least a couple hours by now....  not tonight.  this past weekend was so draining... the depression:  so intrusive...  and in a way I had not experienced before.  talk about adding insult to injury.  at the very least, I have always been, well, not always, but I have generally known it so closely... able to recognize the signs from miles away.  not this time.  the management of ADD, subsequent and preexisting anxiety, and panic have become startlingly stable.  I am more even keeled than I have ever been in my entire life...  yet I found myself pushed up against the gritty brick wall of reality.  I have been:  miserable.  (unbeknownst to me)  it snuck up on me this time, hit me where it hurt. 

I don't understand:  the innate feeling of being burdensome.

it overwhelms... granted, it doesn't take much.  I believe myself to be one of the "hyper-sensitive".  truly.  it is all overload for me.  I was predisposed to handle only so much, and I may have reached that threshold prematurely....  I honestly thought I had a few good years in me, but perhaps I have reached my limit. 

I have admitted:  I have low expectations.  I consider myself to be gentle, even, and maybe especially inwardly.... but do I deserve such a break?  As an adult, I have tended to exceed expectations.  it is fulfilling, and often unexpected.  sadly, I let myself down this past go-round.  I know my confidence is low... despite low expectations, I have always proven to be a force to be reckon with.  I am fast, but not fast enough.  I am accurate, but I am not a perfectionist.  I expect the most and simultaneously loathe myself for placing any expectations at all.  I am all too willing to take the blame.  I am: responsible, somehow.

I am afraid I will always want, always yearn... for what I am unable to attain.  peace.  I don't know if I can possibly allow it.  am I deserving?  well, sometimes I think so... but most of the time... this head gets in the way.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh............. release.

it's been far too long.