duality, 08/22/12, 10:44pm

Well, I've not come full circle quite yet, but I am:  utterly embarrassed.

Poor, poor Lindsay...  oh man, how indulgent is this?  I can't help but roll my eyes at the ridiculousness of it all.  Self-centered much?  Guilty, that's me.

I know full well that I am a lucky bitch, despite my griping and whining.  Yep, life was hard.  Still is, but that's the way it goes.  EVERYBODY STRUGGLES.  IT IS ALL RELATIVE.  IT'S NOT NECESSARILY A BAD THING!

Something I should mention...  I have a tendency to... um, not exaggerate, not on purpose, anyway...  I have always felt that I think and feel in a way most people might not possibly understand.  I have always been so overwhelmed, pushed to the brink.  I do not feel things just a little bit.  I wonder if it relates to the ADHD I've recently-ish been diagnosed with.  I'm quite sure it does, actually.  When the meds are doing their thing, I find I can absorb my thoughts, sit with them, sort them, attempt to deal with them, and often times, such as today, make it... as opposed to reacting irrationally and with a panic which has ruled me for as long as I can actively remember.

I woke up in a funky mood this morning, which is odd for me.  I'm possibly an extreme example of a morning person.  It is sacred time for me, and I relish it... get up extra early just to be able to squeeze in a few extra moments of the stillness, the beauty, and most importantly, the peace.  Anyhow, this morning, I felt off.  By 7:15am I felt very unsure that I'd last, but I was able to focus my attention on my responsibilities, and worked like a mad woman to distract myself.  I made the whole day without losing it.  (ok, ok... relatively)  I had my moments, but was able to hold onto perspective.  What would be worse:  staying at work where I had something to focus on, worst case scenario being a possible mess...?  or go home and actively try to distract myself from my obsessing thoughts. 

It's kind of astonishing when it happens, as I have always chosen flight over fight... but not today.  I fought, and came out unscathed... abnormally stable, even able to rationalize these thoughts into text.

I have terrible self confidence, a result of never thinking very highly of myself.  I have allowed this emptiness to consume and limit my life in countless ways.  I think I might finally be nearing the end of the destructive cycle.  The worst case scenario is that I will end up disappointed and depressed, but I don't seem to be much better as of late, so what have I got to lose?