inside thoughts

i've had many realizations as of late... too many, maybe.  i feel as though i have and am being bombarded, but somehow i know i can handle it.  ideally, i'd be able to publish this post privately, but i don't know how.  so... here goes cryptic.

i have memories that i cherish, but i don't feel i'm allowed to have.  certain circumstances in which i've made very poor decisions has resulted in feeling massive amounts of shame, and also, the very familiar self-loathing that i have known my whole life.

in many ways, i feel i have actually forgiven myself for being so simply stupid, selfish, inconsiderate... whatever.

i have come to terms with the fact that it is ok to have memories that i cherish, hold dear, never want to forget.  i am who i am because of what i went through, good or bad.  i feel i am acutely aware of the positive and negative energies surrounding my past.  even in the worst or traumatic of situations, i have at least attained personal strength, practiced resilience, and have ultimately taken responsibility for my misdeeds.  i am a firm believer that owning your shit, taking accountability, admitting you were wrong, no matter how shameful you feel, is empowering.

i've been pretty open regarding the fact that i am going through some intense post trauma counseling.  counseling is something that i have been dealing with since age 8.  it feels comfortable, familiar, and most importantly, safe.

in some ways, i feel more comfortable with myself that i ever have.  another part of me knows that there are plenty of negative side effects i must overcome.  i owe it to myself and those i love most, especially my husband, to figure this bullshit out so it is no longer ruling my life.  i have always been the first to step up and ask for help... i know i can't do it by myself.

i want to wrap this up.  i am pledging an oath to myself to be more compassionate with myself.  i will not shame myself into submission just because i have made some very poor decisions.  life is about learning, and as long as i am able to really embrace that way of thinking, i will get through this, and be a stronger, more self-confident woman because of it.

the end.