wednesday, december third, two thousand and eight..

time for my first december post. prepare for random.

this year the fam has decided to do sub for santa rather than buy gifts for each other. i'm pretty stoked on it so far. brett and i are responsible for an 18 year old girl. my younger bro is responsible for her little brother. i have to say that i am seriously grateful for this opportunity. too often, as of late, i've been way too entirely wrapped up within myself. can't shake myself loose from my "struggles". i know that one of the best ways to take my mind off myself is to serve others, especially the less fortunate at this time of year. it makes me happy to think that i'll be helping these parents provide gifts for their kids on christmas.

soooo, in other news. i've upped my dose, yet again. i've been meaning to keep a journal of how i'm feeling throughout the day, everyday. i've failed to do this, but am still planning on it. somehow i think that if i can recognize a pattern, i'll have an edge on this. we'll see. i've been looking through old journals recently. not really old, i guess.. more like from 2002 through 2006. nothing is very consistent, as i'm not good at consistency.. but for a while, i was writing everyday. nothing particularly special, more just like how my morning went, how the day continued, anything out of the ordinary, general feelings. i guess that's what journaling consists of. also, found many originals of my "writing".. i'm assuming so much is on paper since that was before the myspace/livejournal/blogger thing had taken hold. sad to recognize that there was a general tone of seeking approval from myself and others. maybe one day i'll be able to not feel like a burden to those i love. hopefully - it's exhausting.

anyways, i'm going to make a conscious effort to start journaling again with pen and paper. anything immediate i'll put into text, but otherwise, it'll be back to pen and paper. i'm going to have to improve my handwriting since typing has ruined it.

and..... back to being productive.