pre-processing....

I started counseling with a new therapist within the past couple months.  He uses EMDR, which I have tried previously with some degree of success... or such is my impression.  After learning that this particular counselor had helped two close friends, I decided to give him a shot.  So far, I've learned that I have quite a task in front of me, and I'm terrified.  Sometimes I don't know if I have the guts to go through with it.  Searching and conjuring up the most horrifying details I can recall does not sound theraputic, nevertheless, I feel out of options and that I'm left with no further choices.  I must overcome the trauma I've experienced. 

Often times I feel such a massive amount of shame, that I let a 17-18 year old boy (2 months my junior) control and dictate my life.  I do not understand why I was so stubborn, and held onto something that was so destructive and abusive.  I think (I think) that what started out as what I now perceive an act of stubbornness, and strong will to express my independence... turned into a situation dominated by control and fear... and the subsequent trauma that ensued.

My ex-boyfriend, I later found out, but suspected at the time of the relationship, had a base case of "paranoid schizophrenia."  My-oh-my, he was intensely fucked up, a product of an abusive childhood, who claimed to love me, and probably did in his own warped way.  And I loved him, gave up my friends and family.  He became my everything.  Eventually my feelings changed from being in a place in which I wanted to please to him, into a grim reality of fearing what would become of me if I did not do what he said. 

In short, I feared for my life and what he would do to my family.  I left.  13 years later, I'm trying to come to terms with it.

To say the least, it sucks.